It seems that everyone is really interested in how I ended up where I am--happily pregnant in a well-planned co-parenting situation. When I ask someone if they want to know, they almost always say something like, "Oh yes, but I didn't want to be nosy!" On that subject I am pretty much an open book, and I want this blog to include helpful information for anyone else going through any piece of what I've gone through. Therefore, I am going to periodically include posts with concrete information--my backstory and any facts that I think might be helpful to people out there. Before I get to the more recent nitty-gritty, however, let's go back about 12 years...
I think this journey really started in 2001, the year of the 9/11 tragedy and the year I turned 30. That year was pivotal for me, but I didn't know it then. I was working in a big law firm in downtown Phoenix on 9/11/01. I remember watching the second plane fly into the south tower live on NBC. I remember a few moments later when it sunk in that this was no accident. I remember as the realizations got bigger and bigger: not only was this no accident, but this was an attack. And I remember a moment that afternoon when I was walking down the street in downtown Phoenix--at that point, we really didn't know if more attacks would follow and I can't imagine that anyone felt safe anywhere. I truly felt as if a plane could strike or a bomb could go off right where I was standing. There was no way to know and nowhere to go. When I realized that it was completely and totally out of my hands, I had a moment, right there on the sidewalk, of total peace. I was profoundly grateful and happy to have that moment, walking down the sidewalk in the sun on a beautiful September day, knowing that nothing else was guaranteed. I understood what mattered. I understood that the present moment is the ONLY thing we have. It changed me, but, again, I didn't know it at the time. I didn't know at the time that my heart and soul were about to begin a very long process of rejecting anything that didn't matter--anything that wasn't me, wasn't true, wasn't real.
Two months later I turned 30. Truth be told, I was devastated to be turning 30, especially without a husband or children. I think I was so devastated, that my fragile heart just couldn't go there, so I was in complete denial about it without even knowing it. Because I didn't know what else to do, I focused on the good things about turning 30. I focused on my successful career. I listened to all the things people say about how THIS decade is the best one, and Mr. Right is just around the corner, and people have babies when they're 50 now! I reminded myself that I think age is just a number and it's crazy to be sad or embarrassed about your age! I would never do that! I am proud! I am successful! Everything is perfect!
All those things were true(ish), and it was also true that I had many positive things to be grateful for, and that focusing on the great things is generally a healthy thing to do. What I did not do--and could not have known to do at the time--was face my demons. Positivity is wonderful, and gratitude is the gateway to many wonderful things, but I believe that truth trumps both of them. Positivity and gratitude were not going to help me a whole lot so long as I was avoiding the dark stuff--fear, hurt, pain, jealousy. That stuff is a part of life and burying it only gives it more power. One of my favorite quotes of all time came from the TV show "Grey's Anatomy" (it still makes me teary): "Every[one] has a shadow. And the only way to get rid of a shadow is to turn off the light. Stop running from the darkness. And face what you fear--head on."
Really doing this and coming to grips with it--facing my fears, admitting what I really wanted, having the courage to go after it, facing my hurts, forgiving the past, forgiving myself, getting honest about all the good and all the bad, and being not only okay with wanting to be a mom, but being blissfully excited about it--would take me the next eight years. Stay tuned.
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