It's a GIRL!!!!!!!

I have been telling everyone for weeks that I want this baby to be a girl, that I've wanted a girl forever, that this girl and I have been calling to each other for a very long time, and that I know this baby is a girl. I have referred to the baby as "her" and called her Baby J, a reference to several things, but mainly the first initial of her likely name. I got a lot of mixed reactions and a lot of people telling me not to get my hopes up, but I really didn't care. First of all, had the baby been a boy, the "disappointment" couldn't really go too deep. It would be nothing compared to the disappointment of a negative pregnancy test. I would've adapted quickly. First and foremost I wanted to be a mom, of course, but...I do want my girl!

When we found out the gender, after celebrating with me over the phone, one of my friends asked, "Wait. WHY did you want a girl so much?" That made me laugh, because I didn't really have answer. I thought about it though. It does seem a little silly, but I just felt it in my bones. I have felt it in my bones for years.

The only other thing I can remember feeling similarly about was going to Africa. In the 1980's I watched the movie "Out of Africa" (which remains my favorite movie of all time to this day) and from then on, I HAD to go. Africa was in my dreams and my blood and I just had to go. Again, I felt a little silly for feeling so strongly about this--did I really formulate one of my biggest dreams around a carefully controlled, romanticized version of a continent I saw in a MOVIE?!?! I thought it was a bit silly, and I was worried that if I ever got to Africa, I might be severely disappointed, but still, I knew I had to go. My dream was realized in 2006 when I finally made it to Africa. It was magical. It was everything I had hoped for and more. It was THE most connected I have ever felt to all the other life on this planet. It was a part of me.

I feel the same way about having a daughter. Wanting a girl so intensely seems arbitrary and somewhat silly. I certainly don't know what raising a daughter will be like. I'm sure I have romanticized visions of it in my head. When it comes down to it, the answer to "Why do you want a girl so much?" is the same as the answer to "Why do you want to go to Africa so much?"  I don't know, but I do.  It's a part of me.