It's a GIRL!!!!!!!

I have been telling everyone for weeks that I want this baby to be a girl, that I've wanted a girl forever, that this girl and I have been calling to each other for a very long time, and that I know this baby is a girl. I have referred to the baby as "her" and called her Baby J, a reference to several things, but mainly the first initial of her likely name. I got a lot of mixed reactions and a lot of people telling me not to get my hopes up, but I really didn't care. First of all, had the baby been a boy, the "disappointment" couldn't really go too deep. It would be nothing compared to the disappointment of a negative pregnancy test. I would've adapted quickly. First and foremost I wanted to be a mom, of course, but...I do want my girl!

When we found out the gender, after celebrating with me over the phone, one of my friends asked, "Wait. WHY did you want a girl so much?" That made me laugh, because I didn't really have answer. I thought about it though. It does seem a little silly, but I just felt it in my bones. I have felt it in my bones for years.

The only other thing I can remember feeling similarly about was going to Africa. In the 1980's I watched the movie "Out of Africa" (which remains my favorite movie of all time to this day) and from then on, I HAD to go. Africa was in my dreams and my blood and I just had to go. Again, I felt a little silly for feeling so strongly about this--did I really formulate one of my biggest dreams around a carefully controlled, romanticized version of a continent I saw in a MOVIE?!?! I thought it was a bit silly, and I was worried that if I ever got to Africa, I might be severely disappointed, but still, I knew I had to go. My dream was realized in 2006 when I finally made it to Africa. It was magical. It was everything I had hoped for and more. It was THE most connected I have ever felt to all the other life on this planet. It was a part of me.

I feel the same way about having a daughter. Wanting a girl so intensely seems arbitrary and somewhat silly. I certainly don't know what raising a daughter will be like. I'm sure I have romanticized visions of it in my head. When it comes down to it, the answer to "Why do you want a girl so much?" is the same as the answer to "Why do you want to go to Africa so much?"  I don't know, but I do.  It's a part of me.

I'm (kinda not) Coming Out

I obviously haven't done a blog post in nearly a month. Why? Because I'm almost ready to make it public and it's freaking me out. 

I purposely started writing this blog before I made it public. I wanted to get a head start and have some extra posts in the queue. Plus, I wanted to write it for ME and not for a particular audience, so that it would be written in my authentic voice, and not my-authentic-voice-trying-to-impress-you. I figured sometime during the last half of June, we would make the pregnancy officially facebook public, and then I could start sharing my blog posts. Easy. Aaaaand there's where it gets weird. 

It is now July 6 and I still haven't posted about the pregnancy on facebook.  I tried to tell myself that facebook is stupid and I don't owe people any explanation or announcement. Now, that may be true, but it's not authentic. The truth is, I WANT to tell the world. I want to be able to share my blog, and ask for pregnancy advice, and repost parenting articles, and enjoy having people be happy with me. So the whole "facebook is stupid" excuse, while perhaps true, is really just a cop-out. So why don't I post it already?????

My reasons for not posting it are all ridiculously overblown and irrational fears--things like, "What if a potential employer sees it and then doesn't give me a hypothetical dream job because I'm pregnant?" "What if [insert pretty much any name here] thinks [insert any number of ways someone could think I am wrong, or stupid, or bad]?" and the big one: "What if I publicly say I'm having a baby and it jinxes the pregnancy and I have to tell everyone never-mind-it-went-away?" Ok, typing that last one made my eyes tear up, so that must be the real fear. Tears are truth. 

I'm scared. I'm afraid to step out of my comfort zone and take a minuscule little risk. I know fears like this stem from an underlying belief that I don't deserve to be this happy, that the "other shoe" is about to drop, that I don't deserve to expect TOO much of a good thing. I also know all those beliefs are crap, but...I just don't want to test them on the thing that matters most to me in the world. Still, if I don't quash those beliefs on the things that really matter...am I really ever quashing them at all?

I think there's another piece to this, too. I was born to have a child. I know it. After all my achieving and traveling and money-making and whatever, this is the most authentic thing I have ever done as an adult. It's not particularly unique or unusual, but it is 100% real. It's who I am, and there's something scary about revealing all of that. It leaves no place to hide. Even though I don't really want to hide...we're talking about overcoming a lifetime of pretty tight control over my life and how it appears. (As a side note, every parent I know tells me I can kiss control goodbye in about 5 months anyway...). So, I'm going to make my announcement, and I'm going to share this blog. I'm writing this on July 6, 2013.  I guess we will all soon see how long it takes me to really "come out" of hiding.