Law of Attraction FAIL

I have been noticing lately that the famed law of attraction refuses to give me what I am putting out into the universe and, indeed, DEMANDING.

I have been a raging bundle of hormones, and I do mean raging. I have screamed at people on the phone, cursed every other driver on the road--sometimes just for looking at me wrong, asked a pharmacist how many FUCKING times he would like me to call in order to get accurate information, and on and on and on. I have been angry and short-tempered, expected the worst out of people, felt sorry for myself, seen the bad in most situations, and expected things to go wrong. The whole time this is going on, of course, deep down I fear that the only person I am screwing is myself, and then I just get angrier, and on it goes. All I've ever tried to do is be better and I'm just not.  I'm not ever going to be better than myself.

What has happened, however, is the appearance of totally unexpected and seemingly undeserved grace. Again and again. I did not get the awful results I expected. The law of attraction did not send me evil, mean, nasty people to match my behavior. For whatever reason, grace appeared. Everywhere. That pharmacist? He told me he understands how difficult insurance can be and if I would come in that day, he would GIVE me enough pills to keep me from being sick until we can get the paperwork worked out. Many of those drivers let me in, even when I had cut them off. People I snapped at just got nicer and offered me more help. Mike brings me dinner and takes out my trash when I don't feel like cooking and cleaning. Even God seems to be in on it, because I was sitting on the corner of my bed sniffling about how I'm going to pay bills next week and when I went to get the mail, a good-sized settlement check arrived that I have been waiting on since JANUARY. I just sat down and said thank you about 100 times.

I am being given what I need even when I haven't earned it. I don't have to be better. I'm enough just the (sometimes awful) way I am. I think one form of grace occurs when people who are in a place to give (whether it's money or time or kindness) give what they have to people who don't have it. In my case, I don't have a shred of patience or kindness left in me--so other people who have it right now are giving it to me. It's extraordinary. My temper did not miraculously get longer and I am still pissed off a good share of the time. I just don't have much to give right now. But when I do--on the days when my joy and peace show up again--I will happily share my joy, peace, money, time, and kindness with those who need it, because we all deserve it. We're all good enough--even on our bad days.