Pregnancy is HARD.

I can't help but feel a little guilty for hating on something I wanted so much, and a little lazy for not being able to do anything but move from my bed to my couch, and a little angry that I never. feel. good., and a little disappointed that I really wanted pregnancy to be this euphoric experience that feels like skipping through a field of flowers. It is not like that. It is more like having the worst hangover of your life 70% of the time.

Fortysomething

I was so dreading turning 40, and I still rebel against aging, but you know what I love about my 40's? I feel a lot less judgment from others. Maybe that's just because I am (a little) less judgmental than I used to be. Either way, it seems to me that almost all of us that have made it this far now know that life didn't turn out the way we planned. Not even close. We know by now that there's no script and no way that it "should" be done. We know that doing things the "right" way did not end up being a recipe for happiness. I feel a lot more solidarity with others than I did in my 30's. It's as if we all know that traditional plans don't always work out, and the only thing you "should" do is whatever you have to do to be happy. You want to join a commune? Quit your six-figure job? Be a stay-at-home mom? Spend all day at your six-figure job? Or your four-figure job? Marry the proverbial milkman? Dye your hair purple? Waitress on the beach in Greece? Knock yourself out. Be happy.

Unexpected Tribe

I have been putting off doing my first post on this blog for about six months, because writing down the whole backstory feels like such a tremendous undertaking that I just procrastinate instead.  So, at the insistence of a friend, I'm just starting with today.  I'll give you a little backstory here, and fill in the rest as I go.

So today...I'm almost 9 weeks pregnant!!!  This is a joy that has been at least five years in the making and I am now happily pregnant with what I affectionately call a "turkey baster baby" conceived between me (a single, straight, 41-year-old female) and Mike, my 39-year-old single, gay, male friend. We have gone to counseling, drawn up court documents, and signed 40 pages of contracts about how we intend to co-parent this very wanted child.

We really haven't made it public yet, but it's been hard to keep it much of a secret.  So many people have been on this journey with me for so long, that when they ask how things are going, I usually can't lie or even hide the fact that...something finally worked!

Today I told one of our mutual friends that I am pregnant, and she was SO excited for us.  It gave me the same feeling that I've had after telling several other friends--the feeling of an unexpected family. My family situation has never been typical, my way of becoming a parent is certainly not typical, and most of my life has been about doing things by myself.  Somehow, though, I now find myself surrounded by what I can only call a beautiful, eclectic little tribe.  So many people have laughed with me, cried with me, said too much, said too little, and probably genuinely worried about my well-being through my attempts to become a parent, and now here they are all, each in his/her own unique way, thrilled as can be about the prospect of this new little life.  I feel so much (unexpected) genuine interest, excitement, support, love, and generosity from so many people--black, white, brown, gay, straight, old, young, related, unrelated, funny, serious, rich, poor, talkative, quiet, intellectual, artsy, and everything in between.  I love my unexpected tribe, and I love that this child is being born into an abundance of love and family that shows up in all kinds of ways.